Fifty (plus 1) Thoughts I Had While Watching Fifty Shades Darker

by - Friday, February 17, 2017



I did it. I watched Fifty Shades Darker. And I watched it online, on my broken computer which only has half a screen. That's how much I couldn't wait to see it. I was meant to be going with some girlfriends to see it in the theatre but I couldn't help myself. And truth be told even though I only just watched it, I'm still 100% down to watch it again on the big screen.


Here are 50 (plus 1) thoughts I had while I was watching!


* THERE ARE SO MANY SPOLIERS IN THIS POST. IF YOU DON'T WANT TO BE SPOILED GO WATCH THE MOVIE AND THEN COME BACK AND READ IT. OR READ IT ANYWAYS, I DON'T CONTROL YOUR LIFE!*


1. Isn't she supposed to look like crap, like she hasn't eaten or stopped crying for a week?
2. Where is the Charlie Tango balloon? Screw the flowers, show me the balloon.
3. This is so not like the book, I know it can't be an exact match but come on people you're leaving
out some of the best details.
4. It feels weird seeing Christian out of a suit, and not being shirtless or naked.
5. Also weren't they supposed to come to this thing together?
6.. I've always found it odd that Jose is one of Ana's best friends and yet she had no idea that she was the center of his exhibit.
7. And equally as weird, that she still considers him a good friend after he uses the pictures without her consent knowing full well she wouldn't let him if he had asked.
8. I mean seriously, he just admitted that!
9. And another thing, if I was Ana I'd be asking for a cut of that big sale he just made to an anonymous person (Christian), it is after all my face.
10. Okay I know she canceled the steak and ordered the quinoa as a subtle "fuck you for thinking you still control my life" to Christian, and I'm all for that, but god I would have so much rather had the steak.
11. He didn't have to try very hard for her to take him back. I knew she was going to take him back, but shouldn't he have had to put in just a little more effort?
12. Jack Hyde is not supposed to be hot is he? Why do I picture him as short, balding, slightly overweight middle aged man?
13. I know Jack is supposed to be the bad guy, but I find it hard to believe that he'd see a creepy, disheveled women with bandages on her wrist  waiting outside their office to talk to the chick he's trying to bang and just be like mmkay drinks?
14. Christian trying to cut a pepper is almost enough for me to not find him attractive, the 3 year old girl I used to nanny for could cut a pepper better than that, and she was using a spoon for Christ's sake.
15. Okay for a movie whose theme is largely revolved around sex, they took their sweet ass time to get to the first sex scene.
16. How awkward must it be for actors to film scenes like this. Like is his face actually touching her vagine right now? Or just extremely and awkwardly close to it?
17.Why do people not like free money? Seriously am I a bad person for thinking I'd be elated to get a $24,000 check for my shitty old car?
18. Okay slightly creepy he knows all of her bank information, but again you just made $24,000 so who cares?
19. Does this count as prostitution since he technically deposited the money into her account after their night of  kinky-fuckery?
20. Okay Kim Basinger has arrived, and honestly find her just as creepy as she is meant to come off.
21. I'm a lazy piece of shit and probably would have taken him up on his offer of  being carried on his shoulder tbh.
22. I really want to go to a masked ball, but only one that a millionaire would be hosting, and unfortunately I don't know too many millionaires.
23. How did Rita Ora get cast in this movie?
24. Why the fuck did Dr. Flynn not get written into the movie?
25. I am equally intrigued and creeped out by the silver balls.
26. Why doesn't Christian ever take his pants off when they have sex? I know it's kind of a quickie, but if you have time for her to be fully naked, would you then not also have time to be fully naked?
27. Mrs. Robinson is a real bitch, and also are there not other women in this bathroom? I can just picture some drunk chick eavesdropping and then running around the ballroom screaming " I know Christian's secret, I know Christian's secret" before passing out.
27. A bajillion security guards at Escala, but let's go to my boat that only has a one man lookout. Can't say I agree with your logic there Christian, but boy does it act as a nice transition into the next scene.
28. Is this a J.Crew commercial?
29. Okay Jack Hyde starting to live up to his last name. Kinda sweet to major creep in 0.2 seconds friends.
30. Well nipple clamps are a hard limit after seeing that.. no thank you.
31. Can only think about how Christian's interview with Mrs. Jones went. So it'll be your basic housekeeper duties, get groceries, cook my meals, sweep the floors, oh  yeah, and wash all my sex toys and dust my sex dungeon.
32. Okay the flip was intense, how did that not result in injury?
33. I can make you come... says every guy ever. *rolls eyes so far back into my head that I get a headache*
34. I wonder if she is thinking about using the S.I.N.G method?
35. Ana get's an insane promotion after being there for a week, and that's a totally normal thing right?
36. There's no way someone in that restaurant didn't see her take off her DAMN UNDERWEAR.
37. Casual fingering in the elevator, NBD.
38.  Where is Elliot, again leaving out so many good details and characters I am peeved.
39. Jesus, so is submissive a synonym for dog, because he is literally petting her.
40. Christian on the floor is not alright, please get up.
41.Talk about a romantic proposal..
42. OMG THE WORKOUT SCENE, GOD DAMN JAMIE DORNAN YOU SEXY BEAST.
43. Roz, I think it's pretty damn obvious what is happening. But don't worry you won't die because Christian can apparently not only fly but also crash land so you good boo.
44. Does he seriously think that no one would be concerned about the fact that he almost just died, like I know you don't think someone could love you but, even if they just liked you a little I'm pretty sure they'd still be worried.
45. So he opens the keychain and it's still a cute scene, but the book did it better.
46. No doubt Mrs. Jones will be tidying the pile of sopping wet clothes in his shower, I hope she get's paid well... and has benefits. She deserves benefits.
47. More kinky fuckery, but seriously not as much sex in this movie, especially considering they do it every 20 pages in the book.
48. Kim Basinger get's a drink thrown in her face, and then is slapped by queen Maricia Gay Harden and the best thing she can think to do is drop a handkerchief in front of everyone? That's weak.
49. It's the hearts and flowers! Now that's the kind of lame cheesy proposal I live for. Also that rock. JESUS.
50. Why are these people acting like this is the first time they've seen fireworks?


51. Oh it's Jack. And I immediately started singing Hit The Road Jack in my head.
Oh my god.  


Even though I'm kind of disappointed in the script, they seriously left out so many of my favorite details from the book, I still loved it. Honestly I'm so god damned excited for the next one. And also extremely happy that we don't have to wait 2 years for this one, I'm already planning my Valentine's day around it!

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