What I'm Leaving Behind In 2018 And 2019 Intentions

by - January 02, 2019

I love the start of a new year. Everything feels fresh, like anything is possible. It's as if the year before is waiting at the edge of the shore, ready for the tide to wash it away. It may be silly, but the start of a new year brings me some sense of peace. 12 new chapters, 365 new pages on which I can write the story of my bets life. And that is exactly what I want for 2019.
I will not dwell too much on the past, and the bad times that 2018 brought me, but I do want to touch a little bit on what I want to leave behind in 2018. All of the bad habits, and bad thoughts that made this past year one of my worst, and what I know I cannot bring into the new year if I have any hope of 2019 bring me joy. I have always used this blog as a way to express myself and share what I'm feeling and I hope that this year will be no different. So here is what I am leaving behind:

Using food as a distraction
I will be the first to admit that I do not have a healthy relationship with food. In fact I am not sure I ever have. But in 2019 I will stop using food as a crutch or a distraction from my feelings. I will stop eating because I feel bad about myself or because I am afraid to be alone with my thoughts. I'll use food to fuel my body, instead of using it to further fuel the hatred I feel towards it.

The harsh and unexpected feelings after a breakup
I ended my first relationship near the end of the year, and it was not something I expected to affect me as much as it did. The feelings did not stem from sadness for what was ending, but rather were out of anger and frustration with myself. I had not realized how much of myself I have so willingly lost, and I was angry that it did not immediately come back once that relationship was over. But I want to leave that behind, I want to let go of my anger. I will push myself to move forward in searching for myself without the feelings of frustration for having lost myself to begin with.

Measuring my worth with dating apps
I have used dating apps for the past 5 years. They have, in fact been the only way I have met men. The first guy I slept with, I met on Tinder and every man I have gone out with since then has been someone whose picture I have swiped on. And every time I would go on one of these apps I would eventually meet a dud, and then go looking for another. Except that it seemed that every time I rejoined the app, I'd get fewer and fewer matches, inevitably leading me to feel like I  wasn't pretty enough, funny enough or good enough. All because there were not enough men swiping right on my pictures. I just cannot do that to myself anymore. So I am saying goodbye to the dating apps this year, because I deserve better than to measure my worth with them.

Procrastinating the hobbies that bring me joy
Perhaps one of my worst habits, I find that especially when I am feeling down, that I will put off doing anything and everything. Hence why you haven't seen a blog post from me in a while, and what I haven't managed to upload a YouTube video in almost a year. However in 2019 I will do my best to leave that habit in the past, and actually spend time doing the things that bring me joy. I will write, and I will create and I'll stop neglecting the things that make me feel happy.

So there you have it, the things that I want to leave behind going in the new year. As for my intentions for 2019 besides doing my best to ensure that I successfully leave these things behind, I have just one other. This will be a year of and for me, a year of bettering myself and doing things that bring me joy and make me happy. I will spend this year with the people that I love, and I will worry less about those who don't bring anything to my life. I have a really good feeling about 2019, and I'm excited to share it all with you.

Much Love,
Spenser xx

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